October 28, 2008
Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ.
I have gotten used to the lizards, I recovered from the Jiminy Cricket incident, but living in the Groundhog Day version of the rain scene from Magnolia is nudging me toward the edge. This week alone three frogs and been captured, by Wayne of course while I hid in the bathroom, and released into my neighbor’s yard.
Two weeks ago a frog jumped on our guest's breasts as she tried to enter our home. The worst part was when she tried to bat it away it jumped on her mouth. After that I had to give her the good liquor from the back of the cabinet.
Last week while walking the dog, a frog hitched a ride on my lounge wear. The only thing that saved me from a rubber room is that I did not notice him until he jumped off and went behind our four thousand pound entertainment stand, where he may be for eternity because if we ever sell the house the stand stays.
I like nature, really I do, as long as it is not slimy and in my hair or on my freakin night gown. Seriously frogs you got no beef with me so back off.
October 17, 2008
EXT- A CORN FIELD A year earlier SUMMER– Day
INTO VIEW we see MR CHICKEN. He is RUNNING through the rows of corn as he is being chased by as yet unseen THREE MEN CHASERS.
Mr Chicken: (Looking back over his shoulder as he runs) Oh Cluck!
O.S. (MAN ONE) ; Get him!!!!
EXT-FRONT PORCH OF A HOUSE THAT RESEMBLES A CHICKEN COUP
We see MRS CHICKEN, looking down the road and checking her watch, which is hung upside down on a chain from her neck so that when she looks down she can read it.
Mrs chicken : (To herself) Where could he be?
EXT- A CORN FIELD
CRANE SHOT Mr. Chicken is running through the rows of corn when INTO VIEW comes THREE MEN CHASING HIM. The men break into three directions to corner Mr. Chicken.
man one: Flank him and head him toward the lake
Mr Chicken: (As he runs) Cluck you, you bastards
EXT- Where the Corn Field meets the LAKE- CONTINUOUS
MR Chicken emerges from the corn field and nearly runs into the lake.
CLOSE ON his face as we see he is trying to figure out what to do.
OS (man one): Give it up chicken, your goose is cooked.
Mr. Chicken turns around to look back toward where he just emerged from. REVERSE ANGLE we see man one coming out of the corn field. POV Mr. Chicken as he turns his head to the left and sees man two and to the right and sees man three.
Ext- Medical Research Facility FALL -Day
INTO FRAME WALKS the lab coat man we PAN to follow man till her enters the building.
INT- of the Medical Research Facility
CLOSER ANGLE of lab coat man as he walks down a hallway and enters goes through a door.
INT-room of same building
The room is set up as an ORDINARY LIVING ROOM EXCEPT IT HAS ONE GLASS WALL. We see MR CHICKEN AND MRS. CHICKEN snuggling on a couch.
Mrs chicken: I hope you’re just glad to see me
Mr chicken: I wish that was it, but it’s my heart…it’s getting even bigger.
Mrs chicken: They have got to help you!!!
Mr chicken:They’re making it happen. (Getting angry) They’re dammed experiments to see if they can make chicken taste like Chicago style pizza, or a Wriggly field hot dog…
Mrs chicken:(Becoming hysterical) We’ve got to get out of here!!!
Mr chicken: (Resolved) The only way I’m getting out of here is if my heart bursts out of my chest and goes in search of burger.
Mrs. Chicken is weeping and Mr. Chicken’s beak is trembling.
Mr chicken: I am just so sorry I let them catch you…
Mrs chicken: If they hadn’t caught me I would have come here myself to be with you!
CLOSE ON Mr. Chicken
Mr chicken:(Clucking softly, tearing up and hiding his face) I don’t deserve you…
OS (Mrs chicken): You’re about to get laid.
PAN OUT to show both of them. Mrs. Chicken is rubbing her stomach with her arm-ish wings.
Mrs chicken: I think the egg is coming.
INT- same building a DELIVERY/LABORATORY TYPE ROOM-Night
We see Mr Chicken pacing nervously, (head bobbing like a chicken) and Lab Coat man attending to Mrs. Chicken. Mrs. Chicken in on a table with her legs in stirrups. There is a nest on the floor under her legs. There is an air of tension.
lab coat man: Don’t push too hard you’ll crack it.
Mrs chicken:(Straining) AWWWWWW
Mr chicken: (Panicky) Help her!!!
CUT TO CLOSE ON Lab Coat man’s face
lab coat man:(Sweating) It’s coming!
CUT TO CLOSE ON Mrs. Chicken
Mrs chicken:(In pain, to husband) This is all your fault!
CUT TO CLOSE ON Mr. Chicken
Mr chicken: (Looking guilty) But you shook your tail feathers in my face, I thought this is what you wanted!
OS (Mrs Chicken): AWWWWWW
SFX: POP, BLOP
INTO VIEW all three characters and there is an egg in the basket.
INT-the Living Room from before, days later-Day.
We see the Chickens on the couch. There is a NEST LOOKING BASSINET in the corner, with an EGG in it.
Mr chicken: (Proudly) That's a fine looking egg Mrs.
Mr Chicken peaks Mrs. Chicken’s cheek as she pretends to push him away.
Mrs chicken: (Feigning irritable) Do you mind? I’d like to get this one out of the egg before we start on another one.
Mr chicken: (Continuing to peck her cheek) But I think I could give you a double yoke this time!
The peck and hug. SFX OS: CRACK. The chickens get up and head for the egg in the basinest.
Mrs chicken: I hope it’s a hen
Mr chicken: A rooster would be nice too.
CLOSE ON the chicken’s happy faces and their expressions turn from joy to horror.
Mrs chicken: My chick, my chick, what has happen to my chick.
Mr chicken: What did they do!!!
REVERSE ANGEL as we see emerging from the cracked egg, neither hen nor rooster but a thumping baby chicken heart.
October 13, 2008
The wedding was at a very elegant Methodist Church in one of the oldest and finest parts of town. Wayne and I were also married in a Methodist Church because it was a nice middle ground between our two family’s religions and God bless the Methodists, they’ll take anybody. When it came time to dispense the sacrament it was explained that all denominations were welcome to participate, even you pseudo-Catholics that only go to Church on Christmas and Easter and the Jack Mormons too. Well; they didn’t say that but we knew we were good to go up front.
While waiting my turn I caught the eye of the bride and we waved and giggled and I winked at the groom and snickered, so I was not behaving in a reverent manner and was caught a little off guard when it was my turn. I stepped up and by rote made the sign of the cross, took a piece of the bread and said thank you Fa…. err, Rev… um, Past…Dude?
Wayne has been telling me for years that it is not always necessary to say something. In fact when in doubt say nothing. AS IF!
Well the Pastor politely ignored my bobble and I managed to make it through the rest of the ceremony without incident. I did ditch Granny in the receiving line but that was after the ceremony!
Two words; open bar!! It would have been cheaper for the matrimonial couple to board the dog for a week and not invite me to the wedding, rather than set me loose on an open bar. But I made up for it by not eating any of the shrimp appetizers.
While we were all waiting for the couple to come out and be toasted, I was standing by the gazebo minding my own business, sneaking sips of my champagne and calculating in my head how much I could drink and still have enough for the toast. But I ended up polishing off the flute while hearing about some very personal stuff from the groom’s second cousin from up north. (Side note; make nice with the wait staff, tell how you used to wait table back in the day and what a pain in the ass the snotty guests can be, and they will make sure you get a little extra champagne.)
But what is it about me that makes people walk up and say, “Hello I’m so and so” and start telling me their deal? GEEK MAGNET! That’s what Wayne calls me. I mean the guy wasn’t that bad, he was an average Joe, his wife was nice, and their kid was cute, but seriously, you should not tell a slightly drunky girl you just met at a wedding that you and your wife got engaged at a wake when she was 8 months pregnant. I mean really, how I was supposed to know the kid didn’t know. So it was a little awkward when the teen joined us later and I asked if he was the one at the wake with them, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more.
Holy crap, it was like the lightning round of twenty questions: ‘What wake?” “ I don’t remember being at a wake with you?” “ What do you mean I was at the wedding too?” “ Who’s wedding?” “ What are you taking about?”
Yes, well, it was very nice meeting you, we really should be going, um bye now.
Don’t tell a tipsy woman at a wedding stuff you don’t want your kids to know, I’m just sayin!
All and all, if you don’t count my hair, it was a beautiful elegant wedding. A note about my hair: I put it up on electric rollers because I wanted it to look like the Samantha Who's hair.
It didn’t quite work out like that. I ended up with tight little curls and mall bangs. When Wayne saw me emerge from the bathroom he said he didn’t know if I was going to sing him an old country song or ask for donations for the local Christian channel. I thought he was exaggerating till the bride said she liked my come to Jesus hair do. UMP.
But we had a great time anyway and when we got home the dog was so glad to see us, he
gave me a French kiss poodle style. It wasn’t bad, except Wayne says he’s not kissing me till I have my lips dry cleaned.
October 11, 2008
Dear Santa, I have been a very good girl this year; unless you count the lack of job thing, which I don't think you should! Oh, and if you are counting against me how many times I dropped the F-bomb this year, or even this month, ok today, then f#*$ you fat man, I didn't want a stinkin dog anyway!!
But if I promise to vacuum more often could I have a standard Labradoodle anyway?
October 9, 2008
October 4, 2008
If you care to have a look click here.