December 30, 2009

He's Just Mostly Dead

Death Chic(k) is at it again this year. If you want to get in on it, click here...

But remember mostly dead, as is the case with several celebs, does not count.

December 7, 2009

It's OK It Wasn't a Heart Attack.

I mean I didn’t REALLY think it was, but when you get a stabbing pain in your left breast like you’re being pierced with a warm dagger, you perk up a little and wonder. For a freightened second or two I checked my left arm, took my own pulse and then realized that the shortness of breath was because I was holding it.

It’s not my fault. Every time I turn on the TV I see that I should be on a different medication. So it’s no wonder I have developed a slight case of hypochondria.

Anywho, the problem was not apparent till I stood up and realized I appeared to be listing to the left. Then I knew I had a fail with a vital piece of my undergarment’s superstructure.

This isn’t the first time I’ve unhinged an underwire, and unfortunately it’s not the first time I broke one at work. In fact over the years I have had many brassiere blow outs. Once time I snapped a strap while bartending, so all night long I was putting in a little extra buttery nipple every time I mixed a drink.

Luckily over the years I have learned my lesson and I travel prepared. In my MacGyver purse I keep safety pins for strap reattachments and hook ruptures. I keep tissues to pad the stabby end of a protruding underwire. And in case of a break-the-glass type emergency, I keep duct tape in the trunk of my car.

Note: Do not get duct tape on your areola.