July 30, 2008

I Haz Gots the Blahz

I wish I could shake this utter lack of enthusiasm that has been sucking up my life force for the past 2 days. I don’t have the blues just the blahs. I gotta shake it off, I have stuff to do, like post about the weekend before next weekend.

July 23, 2008

Which Cubie You Be?

The guy in the cube next to me is about half my age so I figured he'd know; “Dude,” I says because I know when you use slang young people think you are neat. “How much is Wii?”

“Depends on where you get it. “ Dude says, refraining from calling me ma’ am.

This response provokes a Prairie Dog* from the girl in cube 13, across the row from Dude, who asks, “Did you say weed?”

“No,” I responded, trying to say, "shut up dumbass before they hear you and mind your own bee’s wax," by drastically raising one eyebrow.

P.D. from girl in Cube 11, “I thought you said weed too!”

“Wii”, I said!

“Weed?” cube 13 repeated.

“Wii, the game!!!” now I was past caring.

Giggles and grin’s from cube 11. “Ha ha ha, you said weed.”

If you can’t beat em, join em. “How much is WEED these days? Last time I smoked pot, a nickel bag was $5.

Dude rejoins, “A nickel bag’s $20.”

“Does your mother know you been puffin fatties?” More cool slang from the swell old broad in cube 9.

“I only tried it once and it didn’t do anything for me,” Dude protested, “why pay for something that doesn’t do anything for you?”

“Dude?” I asked, “Maybe you bought 20 bucks worth of oregano!”

*Prairie Dog: When an office worker confined to a cubical pops his or her head above the cubical wall in order to ascertain what is happening in other cubicles. Cubicles are most often constructed with half walls, in which case a properly executed Prairie Dog would require only a slight elevation of the body using the chair’s arms to assist in achieving the desired height. To fully stand would draw unwanted attention thereby endangering the Prairie Dog’s lunch or break if they were caught and accused of not having enough to do.

July 22, 2008

A Day In The Life of Cubical Girl

Cubical life really is like the movie Office Space. I have 14 bosses; one of them is always running around with their ass on fire, usually in an effort to look as if they are so important that they must rush here and there.

If one boss has an idea they send it to all of cubical world, where it is then forwarded to all of cubical world by the other 13 bosses with an urgent tag saying please see email from so and so ASAP as her ass is on fire.

Urgent email will be followed by a cubical drop with same information, acknowledgement of which has to be signed and returned to one of the bosses then forwarded to the other 13 lest there be hurt feelings.

The last such correspondence regarded the effort to become a paperless office. We all signed a pledge to save paper, made a copy for each boss and one for HR. Sometimes I sneak a post it note when no one is looking.

If there is thunder and lightning outside, (the call center I work in is located in Florida, lightning strike capital of the world, so yeah it storms here every once in a while) we have to take off our head sets and cradle the phone between our ears and shoulder while typing and maintaining our call time. All I can figure is one of the bosses must have had a headset on her ass during a storm and it got set on fire.

Seriously, I can’t make this shit up; you are not allowed to eat in the kitchenette, which is complete with a sink, refrigerator and dishes. One of the bosses decided we must all go down stairs to the cafeteria. But God help you if you are off the phone too long, that gets all 13 asses burnin at once.

July 19, 2008

Average Sucks

I have said it before; if I was just a little bit smarter or even just a little bit dumber my life would be so much easier. And here is another shining example of how being average regularly kicks me in the ass.

I ran out to Target at lunch. I could see it was going to rain soon, so being as smart as I am I parked by the garden center. I reasoned that because I was able to get a spot so close to the door by parking back there, I would not get very wet if it was raining when I came out. Oh how smart I am!

I did a little too much shopping and only left myself enough time to check out and scurry back to work. La la la la. Check out, thank the clerk, explained that I was going to take my purchase back through the store as I was smart enough to think ahead and no thank you, I will not need a bag for my head. I assumed she meant to cover my hair as it was raining like hell.

Now I’m getting a little tight on time and I kinda of have to rush to get ALL THE WAY TO THE BACK OF THE STORE so I can go out through the garden center door. That’s right; they close the garden center when it’s raining like hell. ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE FRONT OF THE STORE, grab the bag for my head and rush outside, where I have to go ALL THE WAY TO THE BACK OF THE STORE, in the pouring rain, to where I left my car.

If I were a little dumber, I would not have noticed the clouds, parked by the front door, got a little wet and made it back to work on time. If I were a little smarter, I might have figured out that they close the garden center when it rains like hell, parked by the front door and made it back to work on time. Luckily I have just enough brains to keep me from suffocating myself with the bag I put on my head.

July 18, 2008

Write That Down

We stopped at Publix to buy some lettuce; (I’m lying, it was ice cream) and while we were waiting in line, Wayne was perusing a ladies fitness magazine. What that girl was fit for is not printable here, but I am sure she was quite athletic and could hold her breath for long stretches of time.

Don’t give me the ole men are programmed to look spiel; I’ve seen men look with their mouths hanging open and dripping spittle. My man doesn’t do that, but he wasn’t reading the articles either, so I gave him a knuckle to the delt in the hopes that it would help him refocus, (on me). Sort of like a medicinal slap to the face of a hysterical person.

Wayne turns to look at me all innocent like; “What?” he says with mock anguish, “it’s not like I would sleep with her….But I would watch somebody else do it.”

Well you gotta laugh, that is a good line. So I did what any writer would do. I took out my notepad and started to write it down for future use. This drew a quizzical look from the checkout clerk who had been watching the whole thing, and was not thrilled with the conversation. Some people are no fun! So I told her the lawyer makes me write down everything he says so we can hold it against him later.

July 17, 2008


SCOTT GLENN (Appitizer)
KEVIN COSTNER (Amuse bouche)
BRIAN DENNEHY (Hungry Man Dinner)
JOHN CLEESE (Spotted Dick)

“Um, yes let’s see, I’ll start with a Costner, my girlfriend and I will split the Dennehy, and add a Goldblum on the side.”

No… that’s not the menu at the Midnight Star

Saloon it’s the cast list for Silverado.

Written/Directed Lawrence Kasdan
Written Mark Kasdan

This here is the story of two brothers, a brother and a lover. After getting sprung from 5 years in the poky, Emmet (Glenn) gets jumped on the way to meet up with his brother Jake (Costner). Emmet kicks some cowboy ass and heads out after the dudes who done it. Along the way he finds Paden (Kline), lover of dogs, canine and otherwise and saves him from the elements. While dining in an uncivil establishment, Emmet and Paden speak up for Mal (Glover) who is being refused his right to be served because he is a brother. And in the town of Turley, Jake has been arrested for being a kissing bandit and awaits hanging by the Sherriff of Nottingham…well sort of. Everybody saves everybody else’s hide and hence a bond is formed between our four heroes and they ride together into Silverado.

Along the way the boys meet up with a wagon train complete with pretty women and Rosanna Arquette. Could be a love triangle in the works but not for Jake, he’s saving all his loving for Tyree’s (Fahey) gal. Tyree is deputy, in Silverado, to Cobb (Dennehy) the lawless Sherriff, Saloon owner and all around bad apple. Running Cobb’s saloon is Stella (Linda Hunt) who Paden loves like a sister; saloon girls, Rae (Lynn Whitfield) who is Mal’s sister and Phoebe (Amanda Wyss) who is Tyree’s girl and the object of Jake’s non-sisterly affections (certain Appalachian areas excepted). General mayhem, gun fights, stampedes and heroic acts ensue.

I recon ya’ll will enjoy this buddy, cowboy, action, comedy movie. It’s got great lines, yummy cowboys, pretty saloon girls, and starts right off with a non-stop shoot out action scene that sets the tone for what’s to come. There is also some fine acting. Dennehy is one bad guy I would love to hate, but not till after I loved him, Kline has a heart of gold but don’t steal his hat, or look out. Glover and Glenn are our level headed leading men and in one of his first roles, Kevin Costner shines bright as the incorrigible little brother, with hints of a dark side.

Rent Silverado this weekend for a look back to when the west was fun.

July 16, 2008

I've Got a Talent For Picking Shows....Not

I don’t know why I wanted to, but we were watching America’s Got Talent last night. If you have ever seen the show you know that it is a “talent” contest for more than just singers, where three judges rate the acts. Sound familiar? Everyone hates the judge Piers (the Simon Guy), Sharon (Paula Abfool) loves everyone and David Hasselhoff (Randy, you rock dog) is a total dipshit.

It is amazing what passes for talent on this show, i.e. a lip syncing Tina Turner impersonator with a fat ass and a bad wig. So we decided to make it a little more fun. Each time the Hoff, as David likes to be known, proclaimed to an act that, “you” slur a little, “are what this show is all about.” we would take a drink. Object being to end up as drunk as the Hoff, pass out and not have to watch the show anymore.

Well, if by “you’re what this show is all about,” he means grown men crying for their Mama to be proud of them, strange little children with acts that make their Mama cry with pride, and freaks and geeks that make the rest of us cry, then drink up, cause it’s going to be a long night. You know it took a year after seeing
Nacho Libre for Wayne to let me pick a movie again; I guess I better just hand over the remote because it’s going to be a long time before I get to pick a TV show again.

July 8, 2008

How Would You Like Your Steak?

I love it when Wayne and I go out to dinner. We have great fun talking about plans for our home and our books and our cabin and then he will say something so smart and funny it makes me laugh so hard I snort. It’s not always sunshine and roses, it’s a little bit of work to keep things this great, but it is totally worth it and I refuse to give into the snark. I have a half theory that one of the reasons women lose their husbands to younger women, is not because of their bodies, hair, and makeup, it’s because those girls haven’t become bitches yet. Seriously, treat him like more than a sperm bank and a paycheck and maybe he’ll surprise ya. But I digress.

Thursday I was feeling bratty and sorry for myself because Wayne had to work on Independence Day and I would be alone. Poor me at home doing what ever I want, (actually I went shopping) while Wayne is working yet another holiday. So, he took me out to dinner to make me feel better. (I told you I was a brat). We drove around and ended up at Hops; just because... why not? Well, we got a really great meal, a professional courteous server and only spent like $60 bucks. My trailer park may be showing, but this chain that we weren’t expecting much from, surprised us with a really good ahi tuna appetizer with a smoky twist, grilled Wayne’s steak Pittsburgh rare, and managed the three special requests on my order. It was not the Ritz, but we have paid a lot more and not had as good of an all around experience.

In case you're like me and don’t know,
Pittsburgh rare means charred around the edges and practically cold and definitely bloody in the middle. Which led to our conversation regarding meat, sort of.. I asked Wayne, while he was scarfing up his steak, if he would eat the pilot of a plane he was on, that crashed in the mountains, to stay alive.

Between chews quite matter of factly, “Yes”.

“Well,” I said in a feeble attempt to get his goat, “which part would you eat first?”

He thought this over for not nearly long enough before replying, “Actually, I would eat the flight attendant first.”

July 4, 2008

Be Careful or Your Hair Will Turn Green

Note to self:
When you find blonde hair on Wayne's lapel, it belongs to you dumbass! Bleach, Chardonnay....ringing a bell? That's right, before getting all stabby take a quicky looksy in the mirror and check the color du jour. Ok? Ok!

July 3, 2008

No Review for You

I'm thinking that we are getting too many reviews on this blog. I love doing them, but I don’t want Lemon Tree to be all reviews so I am going to now do my Non-new reviews every other Thursday. When there is nothing in the new releases or you need suggestions for your queue, check out the Wendy’s reviews category for some of my favorites.

On a side note; tomorrow is the 4Th of July, so I am going blonde. UM? I don't know either; I just got a bug up my ass and decided to go blonde. I have been thinking about doing it and was going to Sunday, but got hammered and didn't get to it. I'll let you know how that works out.

July 1, 2008

Movie, Paint, Bleach and Chardonnay

Friday night Wayne and I had a date night and we went to see M. Knight Shamalamadingdong’s new movie, The Happening. It wasn’t. It didn’t suck but nobody’s going to be walking around saying “ I see plant people.” Still it was nice to have a night out, Wayne’s has been working so much lately and he deserves a little break. But it didn't last.

Saturday we worked like dogs. We have been painting the house since time began, but we are almost through. Unless you count the punch list which gets bigger and bigger the closer we get to done.

Sunday Wayne went back to work, but I kept on painting, in the 90 degree Florida sun, but we are almost through. ( Yeah, right) Later that day my co-cubie came over so we could dye each other’s hair. I am an aspiring kitchen beautician; not!!!

We didn't get to my hair and really we should have left her's alone, but it doesn't look that bad, and after all it will grow out. Tip: Don't mix hair bleach, Chardonnay, more Chardonnay, karaoke (in the daylight for God's sake) Chardonnay and then champagne. And here's why...When our husbands divorce us, and who could blame them really, we will looked like too much bleach blonde, streaky mop headed drunks, to get new ones.