October 31, 2011

I Need My Daily Fiber

The best way to get your daily fiber is from the guys at Daily Fiber Films. So funny.

October 27, 2011

Dr. Oz is Trying to Kill me.

Dear Dr. Oz, are you tyring to kill me?

Because I don't think drinking this stuff is going to save me.

Fiber and Vinegar Cocktail
8 oz water
4 tsp of white or red wine vinegar
1 tsp psyllium husk fiber, such as Metamuc
Just asking!
Quick Fixes to Prevent the Diseases You Fear Most

Dr. Oz reveals his quick fixes for the diseases you fear most: diabetes, cancer, heart attack and stroke. Quick Fixes to Prevent the Diseases You Fear Most:

Both the vinegar and fiber in the drink will help slow the absorption of sugar. Plus the vinegar works as an appetite suppressant, while the fiber will help you feel full. You’ll stave off hunger, which will help prevent weight gain; obesity is often tied to diabetes. Drink this cocktail every day before dinner to prevent sugar spikes and crashes.

October 8, 2011

Dr. Oz’s Colon Blow Weekend

I am in the throes of Dr. Oz’s 48 Hour Weekend Cleanse, and I am so hungry I want to kick Oprah’s ass.

For years now I have been doing what Oprah tells me to; because damn it she knows. Seriously I went through a period where she really worked a nerve, but that doesn’t mean the woman isn’t smart.

So, Oprah said drink 8 glassses of water a day, and now I can’t make it through a movie.

She said listen to Dr. Phil; I strategized.

And then Oprah said eat what Dr. Oz’s eats so… the 48 hour colon blow is in effect.

It’s only been a few hours so I am not yet incontinent, but the trip to the store to fill Dr. Oz’s weekend grocery list cleansed my wallet, that's for sure.

Me, a teenage bagger with an iPhone, and the produce manager spent the better part of an hour searching Publix for ingredients that don’t come frozen or in a can.

Some of which were unidentifiable to me, as I had never seen them on a drive through menu, hence the kid with the iPhone who Googled admirably.

This morning I had quinoa and prunes.

I have nothing else to say about that. Google the side effects of prunes, if need be. (Or call your grandma, she knows about prunes.)

Later I will be drinking a kale shake with a flax oil chaser.

By Monday morning I will be empty, of that I am sure.

If you plan to join me, and are going to try the diet for the next two days, heed these words of advice from my grandmother, which should ring true this weekend even more than in ordinary times:

Never trust a fart!

October 6, 2011

Call Centers Are Giving Me Cancer of the Ear Hole

The end of a two day marathon at the day job left me with NO energy for my day off. I hate hate hate working for the weekend. Especially if my weekend is Wednesday and Sunday, and Wednesdays are spent at the Doctor, or Bank or anyplace where my time is controlled by other people.

And no place controls your time like a call center.

If I can say one thing to the kids out there; go to school for what you want to be, even if you think you could never be it. Don’t wait till you're 40 to pursue your dreams, but if you do, do it anyway.

Okay two things: stay the hell away from credit cards.

If you follow the above advice you might be able to avoid ever working in a call center. Or God help you a string of call centers, at which your day is spent on a three foot tether answering the same question over and over and selling intangible stuff to people who don’t need it.

Okay three things: take the stairs. When you’re crammed in the back of an elevator that advertises a nine person capacity and you have to carry a one when adding everybody up, (and that’s counting everybody as one when you know there are some twos in there) and you start thinking about getting stuck in there on a Tuesday night with a sore ear hole, and wondering if you’ll ever see daylight again, ask yourself, “Is this how I want to spend my time on earth?”

Time is precious, why do you think call centers keep us on such a short lease, Because customers who are spending their Wednesday on hold waiting for me to pick up don’t care if I didn’t have time to eat and pee on my break, they just want their bill adjusted so they can get back to their day off.

It’s a good job, I’m not digging ditches, I just wish I could spend as much time working on things I love, as I do working for a living.