January 26, 2010

Go Mommy!

Uh yeah, um… is there a word for a 78 year old cougar?

It seems that my mother has decided she wants to get back in the game and is looking for some young blood. Like 70 year old young blood. Hey it’s in the eye of the beholder right?

Anywho, she’s been taking the senior cab service to Weight Watchers where she dropped thirty something pounds, got herself a velour running suit, (sans the HOTTIE decal on the ass), a new hair cut and is constantly polishing her nails. Go Mommy, get me a new Daddy!!

But seriously what do you call a 78 year old cougar?

And you know, she just might do it. The Pharmacist at Publix was chatting her up last year when she visited, and the pizza delivery senior citizen (we’re in Florida, it happens a lot) practically gave her a tip, and she wasn’t even trying yet. But she is pretty cute even if I do say so myself. You know, there could be bennies to having either a pharmacist or pizza man for a daddy. They both got stuff that makes you feel better, even when nothings really wrong, they both are in high demand so they've got job security and both of them can still drive.

I hope my Mom can get her groove back while wintering in Florida, but I sure hope she doesn’t break a hip while she’s at it.

· Gramma Bear

· Possum

· Orangutan

· Tuna

· Aardvark

· Walrus

· G.I.L.F

January 25, 2010

Yes We Have No Bananas

A while ago I did a post regarding good words gone wild. Well, thanks to the pervert that sits next to me, it has come to my innocent attention that there are some foods that have gone wild as well.

Case in point; one day in my cubicle I became peck-ish. So I tuned in a Barry White song on my small desk top radio and began to methodically, almost in a slow motion fashion, peel a banana. I ate slowly so as to fully enjoy its texture and flavor, I think I may have even licked it before making a comment to my sophomoric desk mate, regarding my nutritious potassium rich snack, that it had a remarkable “girth”.

Is that wrong? It was a big fat long banana if I ever saw one.

Anywho, the young man, nay boy, made salacious and lewd comments about other things he would like to see me eat. Can you imagine if someone from HR had heard that… we may not be allowed to eat at our desks any more.

Never the less, I have learned my lesson about the phallusy of fruits being good for you and intend to stick putting more protein rich savories in my mouth, like beef cake, hot tamales, tongue, meat balls, assorted nuts, and maybe a side of hot cross bun.

After all I don't think my desk mate meant what I thought he did when he mentioned the size of my melons!!!

Lilith Hair

When Wayne and I first moved into our house it was ciaos.

His brother bailed out on helping us and his dad showed up to help us. The truck was too small and we moved on New Years Eve.

So around midnight, after Wayne finished moving in the refrigerator and washer and dryer all by himself, we barely managed a kiss, let alone “breakin in” the house like we had planned to do.

There was no sex in every room of the house, including a kitchen counter encounter ala the Glynn Close and Michael Douglas' romp through the dirty dishes in Fatal Attraction.

We were going to christen our sparkling new extra large tub, get our new shower dirty and test out the padding under the new carpet all in one night.

Well... yeah, that didn’t happen. If fact it didn’t happen for 3 days. And at that point I decided we were “breakin in” our new house even if we couldn’t find the bolts for the bed.

So I got in the shower, by myself, washed everything and shaved almost everything. I was just too damn tired for a full groom, so I figured if I just shaved the front of my legs we could get in a quicky and the pressure would be off till we could get everything unpacked.

Gawd I love Wayne.

Turned out it wasn’t a quicky and it turned out I shaved the wrong side of my legs!!!

He loves me mostly for my mind, which is a really good thing, because even though we haven’t moved in five years, there are the occasional times when my legs get a little fuzzy. I mean I definitely tried to keep them shorn below the knee but sometimes my thighs are just too much for me to tackle. But lately I have been working a lot. A full time job, finishing scripts, trying to get my book published, my mom is visiting from Ohio and maybe I have been letting things slip a little, just a little.

I didn’t realize how bad it had gotten until Wayne told me if I didn’t shave my legs soon, he was going to make me wear Birkenstocks.

January 12, 2010

Twilight Scene Contest, but Not

For months I have viciously mocked and ridiculed all things Twilight. Boy vampires and heavy breathing virgins begging to be turned; PA LEEZE. Been there done that. My girlfriends and I saw Interview the Vampire so many times I named my cat Louis, so I could pretend he was Brad Pitt when I was petting him. But recently I broke down and had Netflix send me Twilight, rationalizing that viewing it would give me fodder for my venomous diatribe against woman over the age of 21 lining up to see what surely must be saccharine tripe.

I guess the ”vegetarian" vampire boys were kind of cute; but cute like you might think, "Oh, wouldn't he just look adorable in a suit," or "Isn't that sweet how he pouts like hungry puppy?" Not pulse raising hot like thinking about Wolverine rubbing his mutton chops all over me... well not me, I am happily married to my own super hero, but thinking about watching Wolverine rub anything might make you have to take an extra blood pressure pill.

However, the main vamp, Ed, did manage a five o’clock shadow and bushy forearms, but just because he had been 17 for a hundred years doesn't make you a man. Call me old fashioned, but somewhere past the age of twenty-two I started liking my men looking like men. (This was just past my huge Prince phase) Basically I found the first half of the movie to be pretty slow and predictable. The second half got better and it was full of beautiful scenery, even if I am not a fan of the handheld camera stuff. So, I have to admit I didn’t totally hate it, just mostly, and here’s one reason why. The Accidental Touch Scene. BARF. BARF Twice!!!

You know the accidental touch scene; the two star-crossed but hesitant lovers who have to yet to consummate their feelings with so much as a handshake, “accidentally” brush finger tips, knuckles, knees or heads in some adorably fetching manner that is supposed to make you tingle in the area that the characters are leading up to touching each other in.

The Accidental Touch is also used to bring characters who “hate” each other into the basking warmth of desire, culminating in hot monkey lovin'. Again, PA LEEZE.

Wayne and I had a little bet on when the Accidental Touch would happen in Twilight, and thanks to the slow first half I lost the bet and have to “accidentally touch” Wayne for the next three Saturday nights. (I don’t really mind, maybe I can even get him to bite me. You know, on the neck, like a vampire. What did you think I meant?)

We were even thinking of hosting a scene writing contest, but I don’t how to do that. I would truly love to read what people came up with though, so if you want to share your “Accidental Touch” scene, please do.

Write one to three pages of the most original over used plot devise in movies, the "accidental touch". Try to find some way for your characters to make contact in a way that has not been done before, or that is especially gross or amusing. The “worst” one wins nothing as this is not a real contest but you will get kudos from us. An example of an original, gross , and amusing scene: Two guys are standing at a urinal, and for some reason, a commotion, loud noise, whatever, they accidentally quickly turn towards each other and touch… you know, tingly areas.

Post your scene in the comments or email us at lemontreechronicles@gmail.com

January 10, 2010

Dilbert and Me

Wayne recently bought me a book of Dilbert cartoons. I love the Dilbert dilemmas, so true , so true. But, I don’t think even Dilbert dislikes his coworkers as much as me. I don’t hate them or anything, but I definately would not spend time with them if I were off the clock. Most of them are alright, some are like me, drawing pay and working nights and days off trying to make their dream comes true, but a lot of them are like 25 to 40 year old high school sophomores…uh make that freshman.

The lunch room is like the cafeteria in high school complete with cliques and kool tables, which just like high school I wouldn’t be caught dead at it. And the trip to the bathroom is like running a gauntlet of nasty stares and eye rolls.

I mean cheese and rice people, it’s not like I’m so hideous I make children cry, so why you gotta look me up and down with absolute disdain just because I have to pass your cube three times a day to get rid of some coffee? Bitches in glass houses should not throw stones, ESPECIALLY when they got a grill like Mr. Ed.

In my opinion there are other characters in cubie land that stick out more than me; so I’m a little extra curvy, i.e. lumpy, everybody who’s been chained to a desk long enough gets a Dually ass on them. I am not a rarity, just let me go to the bathroom once without looking up.

I wonder if Mr. Ed throws that much hate at the chick who looks like she used to be a dude but you can tell she was not because the most womanly thing about her is her long pretty Adam’s apple-less neck. You could forgive the mug if she didn’t have crazy written all over her.

I was going to try and make friends with the Anna Faris look-alike whose mouth is perpetually open and she looks lost even when she is at her own desk, but it is just too much fun watching her look for her pencil everyday and if we were friends I would feel like I should help her.

Then there was the one day I made it to the bathroom unsmirked at. It left me in such good spirits I thought I would help a woman who was struggling with the feminine protection dispenser. Apparently she had a Canadian quarter so; I offered her some provisions from my well stocked MacGyver purse, in the form of a compact for traveling,but perfectly adequate for all but the most cavernous vaginas, average absorbency, tampon.

How was I thanked for my kindness?

That nasty hag mocked me for all in the 15 stalls to hear, claiming that my choice of protection must be for pubescent girls and that she needed a grown up tampon and thanks but she would have to go down to the cafeteria, break a five and purchase the super heavy duty, mother of 5, ten pound baby boys, took two bales of cotton to make it tampon. I was red in the face until I realized that she must echo like a cave in a rainstorm when she pees and informed her, for all in the stalls to hear, that sorry about her luck, but I was still tight as a brand new drum bought for band camp.

And Dilbert thinks it’s awkward to pass people in a hall way.

January 5, 2010

Bite Me Lara Croft

OMG Santa rained on me this year, T.Y. Big man. I was pretty sure Santa and Wayne were the same person and when I saw the size of his package I knew, because something that big must be magic. So needless to say I think I got the best Santa out there, and here’s why. Some Santas went to Jared this Christmas: boring, but my Santa went to Game Stop: Wii wonderful.

Really, with all the stuff I got it probably would have been cheaper if he had gone to Jared but I’m glad he didn’t. Me and Santa are having a blast playing together. I have already nearly mastered golf, yesterday I got a score of 9 on just one hole. Wayne says I’m practically a savant. Santa Wayne also got me Wii Madden Football. Well, I did not even know I wanted Wii Madden, but I am sure I will master the forward pass and D-fence real soon.

Yesterday he rented Tomb Raider with a girl called Lara Croft. The game can only be played by one person at a time but I’m sure I learned a lot watching Santa play. (It feels a little funny being kind of jealous of a video game drawling, but he is spending so much time with her…)

Anywho, trampy little vixens in short shorts aside, I am having big fun with the Wii little games. And while I haven’t got the hang of the kick off return or the blitz yet, you better get out of the way when I am bowling. High score of 278, that all I am saying.