June 28, 2011

I Know You're Busy...

I know you're busy, I’m busy; in fact yesterday I started working again. That's why last week I was trying to get everything done all at once before I started my new position. Take my word for this, multi-tasking is great, getting appointments checked off the TO-DO list is wonderful, but you really should avoid getting a root canal and pap smear in the same day.

It can be done, I just did it. Not only that; in the same week I also had a mammogram, an MRI, went back the next day for an MRA, went to the eye man for a new pair of "I'm over forty but these glasses still make me look like a hot librarian right?” bi-focals, and painted the hallway pink.

Yes I checked everything off the list but if I had it all to do again I would so not do the mouth man and the kooch Doctor in the same day. It's just asking too much of yourself and your self esteem to have that many people in that many orifices in a day that involved absolutely no chardonnay.

June 20, 2011

I Love You, Close the Door

There is a wonderful soul fulfilling contentment to being with someone you love for a long time. There is also some weird stuff that happens.

Showers together-
Wonderful: No fear of a negative reaction to father time’s cruel jokes.
Weird: Accidently (meaning you thought you could do it without getting caught) peeing on your partner’s feet a little.

Sharing a sense of humor-
Wonderful: Laughing at the same shows, comedians, movies and life’s little funny moments.
Weird: Making the same joke about an aesthetically challenged person at the same time, and thinking it would be fun to sneak around after dark putting NRA stickers on Prius’.

Board Games-
Wonderful: Drinking wine on our screened porch and playing Scrabble, just like we were playing the first time he said he loved me.
Weird: Taking FOREVER to spell, insisting that words of three letters or less is like having a small penis; bigger is better and who doesn’t want a double score.

Acceptance of the other person’s bodily functions-
Wonderful: Knowing that you love your partner and they love you for who you are, warts and all, even during the occasional outburst of a flatulent nature.
Weird: Thinking your partner’s barrage of staccato farts sounds like a Bert Bacharach song. Can you fart your way to San Jose?

Home improvement-
Wonderful: Working together to make our home beautiful.
Weird: Buying a wooden yard stick in the paint department in hopes that your partner will let you spank them with it. (Not hard or while naked or anything, just something akin to an innocent pillow fight.)

Wonderful: Being comfortable and content just being together without pretention or false modesty.
Weird: Taking a big ole Dairy Queen soft serve shit with the door open.

June 12, 2011

Top 10 Muffin Top Reasons Why You May Want to Drop a Few!

#10 Your belly muffin tops your jeans.

#9 Your ass muffin tops your jeans.

#8 Your ankles muffin top your socks.

#7 You knees muffin top your knee highs.

#6 Your thighs muffin top your fishnet seam up the back thigh high nylons. (And really you should not be wearing them, but I think you know that!)

#5 Your neck muffin tops your turtle neck.

#4 Your wrists muffin top your cuffs.

#3 Your boobs muffin top your bra, but not in a good way.

#2 Your back muffin tops your bra. (SO NOT GOOD)

And the #1 reason: Paul, drum roll please.


Hi, What's Up With You Lately?

So Mary thanks for asking, here's my current deal. Sucks OK!

I got a new job starting the end of the month. No I don't want it, but yes I feel so lucky to get it, so I decided to do some much overdo maintenance doctor’s appointments while I still have days open. So, today I had a follow up mammo to see if the nodule on my right one is a nodule like my sister had or cancer, like killed two cousins. They’ll call me.

Then I had an MRA to see if I have an aneurysm like the one my other sister has, or the one that killed one cousin, or the one that made another cousin unable to drive for 2 years, or the one that made yet another cousin just really nice and a big believer in Jesus, or if I even have a brain at all.

Monday I go to the eye doctor because since I turned 43 which was 3 years ago, I can’t see shit. One sister says it's my upcoming menopause, fuck her. My husband says it's just age, and my best-y from high school, says it's about time bitch, I’ve been wearing glasses since I was nine so what are you crying about.

Monday afternoon I have an MRI, the second half of the testing to make sure my brain is not going to leak all over the new carpet.

Tuesday a root canal! Fuck me running!

Thursday; a pap smear. Are you fucking kidding me? No I wish I was.

Next week; back to dentist for 4, yeah 4 fillings, and a crown over the root canal. Yep, going to cost 3 $LARGE, good thing I’ve got a job I don't want.

Then depending on boob and brain results, which believe fucking me I am hoping are nothing, I am going to dye my roots because I look like shit.

But seriously I ain't mad. Smooches, hope to see you Saturday night, but karaoke at the local choke and puke sounds pretty good right now.

You’re pretty, Wendy.

June 6, 2011

Jolly Green Monster

Gawd I hate acting like a jealous woman. I can’t stand being around myself when I’m like this, so I can understand how it would annoy the recipient of my sulking fits of attention seeking tantrums. But there are  three of them vying for his attention and it's making me crazy.

They’re all new in his life and he is infatuated. I could handle one at a time; throw some Select Comfort acrobatics or a perfectly cooked meal at the situation, but even a wine and meat Saturday night couldn’t take his mind off them.

I could see it in his eyes as we dined and drank, he longed for them, one at a time or all at once it didn’t matter, anything but the agonizingly long game of Scrabble he had reluctantly agreed to. It hurts to see how he looks at them, touches them, so I banished them, “Me or them at least for one night, you owe me that much.” He chose me, but I could tell he had to think about it.

The first one came around at Christmas, that’s when it started. Now he never goes to the bathroom without one of them and worst of all, he sometimes brings them to bed. He says it’s just to charge them up but I know better.

Damn you Kindle and your sleek build, seemingly endless energy, interesting tales and tight leather jacket. At least he shares you with me, but only when I have an appointment and need something to keep me entertained for long periods of time.

Shame on you Bleachy-Haired Honky Bitch and the way he laughs at what you say. I am his wife; he should only laugh at what I say. I’ve seen him try to get you on Kindle, and I have offered to get on Kindle too, but he says he has seen my stuff and that is not necessary.

But it is his latest acquisition that has dominated his mind. Always at his side, where I should be, never out of his reach, begging for his attention, as I am. He says it’s the best he ever had and he never wants to go back to the way it was.

At least I know I still have his heart… that is until we get a new t.v.

June 3, 2011

Green Screen Living Room

Instead of painting the town red this weekend we’re going to paint the living room green. It’s a cheap way to freshen things up and make the room look new. Plus, it can double as a green screen when we get around to filming some of our short scripts. (Oooh… I wonder if we could write it off?)

I also like to move furniture and nic-nacs around when I get bored with the house. I really love our house other than the fact that it’s in Florida. If only we could hitch it up to the pick-up and take it to L.A. (Our beloved little 3-2-2 on lot big enough to shield us from the sounds of the neighbor’s toilet flushing would be a million dollar baby in California.)

So I move things around, splash a little paint up now and again and utilize wall hangings and area rugs. In fact I just splurged and bought a new bathroom rug. It is the most gorgeous shade of yellow. Sometimes when I am sitting there looking at it, the color reminds me of an early morning vitamin pee.