July 28, 2009

Are You Sure You Want To Say That?

Another Hotel Room

Last month we stayed in a hotel room that looked like a crime scene. Seriously it was gross. They did not even give us shampoo or soap, but oddly enough there was plenty of lotion.

What can you do: you’ve flown all morning, drove an hour, unloaded the luggage and they have your credit card number. So you bolt the door, hope like hell that that stain is coffee, like a whole pot’s worth, or ketchup, two to three bottles worth, and try to get 6 hours sleep without touching any parts of the bed that aren’t covered by what appears to be clean sheets.

Last weekend I stayed in a much cleaner hotel. At least the room was clean; the occupants…

I drove my mom to Georgia where we met up with my sister so she could take mom back home to Ohio. My sister is a church going good girl and brought one of her church friends along for the ride. The four of us shared the room as it was only for one night and mom and I agreed to watch our language in front of the friend.

Last Christmas my other sister, who hasn’t seen the inside of a church since they threw her out of her third Catholic high school for doing non-Catholicy type stuff, gave mom a hand held massager. However, she thought it would be cute to call it a vibrator and so mom now refers to it as such. Once mom gets something in her head, IT IS THERE FOREVER!


Two sisters, their Mother and one of the sister’s friends chat while reading for bed.

Good Sister: Thank the Lord we all made it here safely.
Friend: Jesus does watch out for us.
Mother: Will it bother anybody if I use my vibrator?

Which leads me to my point; have you noticed how the meaning of perfectly innocent little words can get askew with time?

Recently my niece reports being embarrassed almost to the point of extinction by yet another sister of mine.


A middle age mother and her daughter are waiting to order breakfast. The daughter is tired from partying the night before.

Daughter: Where is that server, could somebody please coffee me now!

Finally the server approaches the table.

Server: Hi what can I do for you today?
Middle aged Mother: Coffee for her and you can tea bag me.

And lastly the most innocent word of all; Mother. Well, at least it used to be.

Sometime ago while working in a store I was required to make announcements regarding specials. It was mothers’ day and we had a special deal for anyone who was willing to come to the front of the store.


A haggard, but trying oh so hard to make the best of it, assistant manager of a bank with-in a store makes her way to the P.A. system.

Assistant Manager: Attention shoppers today we are offering a package for those who qualify, so why don’t all you Wal-Mart mothers make your way to the front to see what you can get.

Don’t even get me started on the word package.

July 20, 2009

Just a Little Somthing to Tide You Over

Random thoughts not by Jack Handey

One day when my parents were first married my dad brought home shrimp, which was a big deal back then with their very limited budget. After becoming frustrated with my mom’s refusals to just try it once, Dad yelled at her, “… if you’re not gonna put it in your mouth, just try putting your tongue on the end of it and see if you like it!” Imagine Gladys Kravitz getting a load of that one.

I recently got a job. It’s a good thing because I was running out of office supplies at home.

The last hotel room we stayed in looked like a crime scene. Seriously it was gross, and they did not even give us shampoo or soap. Oddly enough there was plenty of lotion.