November 24, 2009

Let's Do Lunch

If you have ever worked a job were your primary objectives are EAT SHIT and SHOVEL SHIT, then you know how important breaks are. At my job, I work a ten hour shift with a half hour lunch and two breaks. My desk is one floor up from the cafeteria and really, really far from the bathroom, so time is of the essence. You see every minute I am not tethered to my phone it counts against my performance score.

“Yeah, so?” you may be asking. “We know cubical world sucks, tell us something new?”

So… I have sunk to a new low.

The clock struck lunch, I raced down the stairs, threw my Lean Cuisine in one of the tower of dirty microwaves, ran to the bathroom, came back, grabbed my 300 calories of grilled chicken and penne with a “creamy” sauce, found the table with the least amount of other people’s lunches stuck to it and settled in for the remaining 23 minutes of freedom.


I forgot to pack utensils.

My lunch break falls exactly five hours into my shift with five to go after it. I was hungry and knew I would not make it till quitting time.


I tore off a corner of the box, formed something of a cardboard shovel out of it and ate my entrée. I am pretty sure I ate some of the box/fork. Does that count as fiber?

PS When I said, new low, I meant sober new low.

November 21, 2009

A Christmas Scene

Last year Wayne entered the following in a scene writting contest. Contestants were to write a one page scence containing the words: Blizzard, Eggnog and Maui.

He used two characters that he had helped me create for a sitcom I had previously written. They are two characters that are very close to our hearts and so he chose to use them in a new setting. I loved it and still do.

We have just finished watching Love Actually which reminded me of the scene so I wanted to share it again this year. I hope you enjoy it too. Merry Christmas


LOGAN is calmly watching the blizzard outside as he talks on
the cell phone with EMMA, his fiancée.

LOGAN: Emma! Please don't cry!


EMMA is sipping a frothy egg-nog. As she sets it down, the
bartender adds another spash of 151 rum.

EMMA: (choking back the tears) But I'm soaking up the sun in Maui
and I need you here for Christmas!


As Emma sobs, Logan watches a jet slide on the icy tarmac and
gently strike the jet at his gate.

LOGAN: Honey, I'm going to the bar. This looks like it might take awhile.

EMMA: I hear that "let's stay calm while I process this information" tone in
your voice!

Logan turns toward the Big Bamboo Lounge across from the
gate. Lights are strung along the faux thatched roof and a
large beach mural covers the back wall.

LOGAN: I'll call you back!

Logan closes his cell phone as Emma's barely heard "I love
you!" fades away. As Logan sits at the bar and orders his eggnog
with a 151 floater, he re-dials Emma.

EMMA: Logan! Merry Christmas baby!

She pick up her egg-nog as Logan replies.

LOGAN: (sipping)Merry Christmas Emma!

November 9, 2009

Addendum to Can You Hear Me Now?

Addendum to Can You Hear Me Now?

Went in for the final adjustment to my new hearing aid, the one that makes Wayne sound like Hugh Jackman, and I got an idea! As the technician fine-tuned the devise, I asked him to turn up the volume for women’s voices as I have trouble hearing them, especially my soft spoken mother-in-law. So you can see where I am going with this…

Many people are not as lucky as me in the mother-in-law and husband departments.
Wouldn’t it be great if they could make a hearing aid that really did make your husband sound like Hugh Jackman, tune out your mother-in-law completely and as long as we’re at it, make your boss audible only when handing out bonuses and extra vacation days?

OMG, what if they could make reading glasses work like beer goggles without the hangover? Put on your glasses, hearing aid, and voila!, growing old together isn’t quite as hard on the senses.

November 8, 2009

Three and Counting

We spent our third anniversary on Captiva Island. (If you know us, you know we have felt married since our third date, but legally this was our third.) We stayed at the Captiva Island Inn, very quaint, and fun. We had a great time, especially on our first night when we walked about one hundred feet to the Inn’s Keylime Bistro Restaurant where we thoroughly enjoyed listening to Gary and Kerri.

They had me at Whiskey River. We were sipping on Rumrunners at the bar, waiting for our outside table, when the old Willie Nelson song wafted in on an ocean breeze and made me all warm and mushy inside. We took our seat under a moonlit palm tree and island pink party lights at a table just west of the tiki hut where Kerri’s angelic, yet soulful vocals and Gary’s guitar strumming filled the warm night air with memories.

Another round of Rumrunners and I, sans microphone, was singing almost as loud as Kerri, but nobody seemed bothered. Everyone had this laid back ease about them that you can only get when everybody in the joint is on vacation. When they asked for requests, I thought of borrowing the server’s lighter, flicking it high above my head and shouting out, “FREE BIRD” but considering the price of the rooms, I was pretty sure I was the only one in the crowd that would have thought that was funny, even if they were being quite tolerant of my revelry.

We had been shelling earlier that day while watching a gorgeous sunset and we went again the next day. We found only little shells though, and thought about buying a souvenir instead. There is a little shop on a nearby island called SHE SELLS SEA SHELLS, and I had heard they had a conch in there that looked like Jesus.

There is a church in my hometown of Columbus Ohio that has a silhouetted image projected on the sanctuary that looks like a three story tall messiah signaling a score. We called it The Church of the Touchdown Jesus, but I digress.

Our last morning there we had breakfast at another outdoor restaurant before heading out. We sat across from a table with a large family; parents, kids, grandparents etc. I watched as a young woman, who was treading a thin line between being a good mom and a control freak, orchestrated the pack. Grandma sat back and watched the spoils of her protégé’s work.

A well trained child stood and leaned over the table to sip her drink from its straw, lest she spill it when trying to pick it up. And a well trained husband amused the toddler by outlining shapes for him to color in. “Here is the sun,” the dad told the babe as he drew a circle on the place mat. “Here is the sea and a boat and a bird,” he continued to draw as he spoke in saccharine tones. “Now you color them in,” he directed while filling the tiny fingers with crayons and patting him on the head, “and take about an hour and half to do it!”

We laughed about that all the way through the nature trail we explored before leaving the island. And that is really the best part of anytime we spend together, laughing together. Happy anniversary my love, I am yours always.