September 29, 2009

Can You Hear Me Now?

I just got back from the ear Doctor. My new hearing aid will be ready in a few days.

Yep, cost $2300

But hear (pun intended) is how good medical techno is:

It is about the size of your thumb nail, it has a Pentium processor chip that allows it to be programmed to my specific loss ranges and pitches. It sits behind my ear and a little clear tube goes into my ear. You could only see it if you were about to lick me, and please don't because the warranty does not cover that.

Bonus: It also makes Wayne sound like Hugh Jackman.

September 27, 2009

Ra Ra Ree Kick Em In the Knee, Ra Ra Ras...

Our beautiful niece sent us a picture of her cheer leading squad today. Sadly, I never got to be a cheerleader in High School. Oddly enough however, I have been on the bottom of a pyramid a time or two.

September 13, 2009

Dogs, Cars and MTV

More reasons why I follow Wayne around with a pen...

#1 Speaking of Cats

A handsome couple, who’ve spent five months this year away from home, are discussing whether or not now is the time to finally get a dog.

I wish I could just rent a dog to play with on the weekends.

Like a doggie hooker?

No! Like Saturday morning you pick up a perfectly trained dog of your choice and go to the dog park and play Frisbee. Then the dog lies by your feet while you read the Sunday paper and Monday you drop him off on the way to work; the whole doggie experience without having to walk him after work all week.

So, like when a guy hires a hooker for the whole night because he wants the “girlfriend experience”?

What’s wrong with you?

#2 The Smart-aleck car

A handsome couple are driving along in a big ole rental car, when they come up on a wee Smart car. It’s a two person vehicle that looks like it was designed to be driven by the Burger King guy with the tiny hands.

Is that a Mini Hooper?

No, it’s not even a Mini Cooper; it’s a Smart car.

What’s so smart about it?

When it gets hit by an F150 that couldn’t see it, the driver is going to be saying, “Ooo that’s smarts!!!”

#3 I Want My Cable TV

A handsome couple are watching cable TV in their hotel room, a luxury they don’t afford themselves at home. The man briefly lights on MTV.

I used to have a thing for Martha Quinn back in the day.

Really? I always thought she was kinda nerdy.

No, she’s cute. She’s got that Under Dog kind of sweetness about her.

I bet she’s been under quite a few dogs!

What’s wrong with you?

September 2, 2009

Koo Koo Ka Choo

At the begining of this summer we went to see Wayne’s youngest daughter graduate from high school. It went great, she looked like a million, Wayne was bursting with pride; but we noticed the continuation of a disturbing phenomenon with me.

There was a woman sitting in front of me; couldn’t see me, and to the best of my knowledge was unaware of my presence. That is until she turned around and started telling me her drama. Namely, that she had driven 20 hours to be here today to see her baby girl gadjiate, and if her baby girl’s bitch of a step-mother didn’t like it, well then she could just call the sheriff again, 'cause hell or high water she was seein’ her baby gadjiate from high school, cause believe it or not she herself never got to gadjiate 'cause she was busy havin' her baby girl’s little sister.

Frankly, this sort of thing happens to me a lot.

It’s like I am some sort of kook magnet, but eureka, Wayne has thought of way that I can work this special skill into a lucrative career path. And it would work something like this…

Employers, HR departments, or anyone needing to screen potential job applicants would pay me a consultant’s fee to sit in their waiting room and read a magazine. (Naturally they would supply all reading materials and coffee.) Any potential employee that struck up a conversation with me beyond a cursory hello, or are you finished with the paper, would be automatically disqualified for employment and depending on the amount of personal background indiscretions they divulged, escorted from the building by security.

You can easily see the time and cost savings that this service would afford any business.

And my special skill need not be limited to the private sector. Image the good I could do if I were working covertly for the government in airports. Why, I would simply wander the common areas minding my own business; anyone who sought me out, seemingly for no apparent reason and began to tell me why they thought that people who are possessed should be charged for an extra seat, or that their cat told them we are all going to die on this flight, would be subject, on my secret signal, to some very invasive screening before being allowed to fly.

Really, have you ever flown cross-country next to someone one who is telling you some really messed up shit? Wouldn’t you feel just a wee bit safer if you knew they had been super extra screened for hidden… well hidden anything?

I’m sure if I wanted to give it some thought I could come up with a whole pamphlet’s worth of circumstances why my kook-magnetism would benefit any number of people who wanted to make sure the person next to them in the elevator on a regular basis is not on the verge of “making everybody pay”! I could leave my little advertisements wherever normal people follow the etiquette of ignoring each other. They might read as follows:

Worried what the guy in the last cubical has in that bag he keeps in the breakroom fridge that has a small pad lock on it? One lunch period in your cafeteria and I can deliver you that information without the frustration and hassle of court orders. Call for a free estimate and package pricing.

Wondering why you only see your neighbor late at night and only at Wal-Mart when you’re there on a beer run, and if they see you they turn and duck into the restroom as soon as possible? Put your mind at ease knowing that I will find out what’s going on in that basement sans search warrant, hidden camera or expensive listening devise. Call now and receive a complimentary screening of your potential mother in law.

Wayne is right, I could make quite the business out of crack pots everywhere wanting to tell me their wacked out, messed up, creepy deal, whether I like it or not.