July 31, 2012

I Could Eat a Caveman

Been Paleo for a week. The first four days I was so hungry I thought I’d go blind. It’s better now, but I still wouldn’t leave your small pets unattended around me.

July 14, 2012

Legolicious

At the risk of sounding like a beyotch...

I am now accepting snarky comments re: nerds and dolls.



EX: How did they get her out of their mom's basement in tact?

June 29, 2012

Fifty Shades of Ehh

Today I went to Barnes and Noble to get the Cliff's notes for Fifty Shades of Grey, then I thougt... I'll just wait for the movie.

March 28, 2012

Things to do today:

• Dishes
           o That is just not going to happen, I still have bowls available and I can use the serving sporks from the holiday silverware for another day.

• Finish writing that screenplay with my husband, and start that other one, and proof/edit the one that I thought was done.
        o This may have happened had some very very bad person at work not shown me this thing on my iPad called Angry Birds. Apparently these little time sucking fowl have been around for a while. Who knew?

• Re-up my membership at the Y.
        o This will have to wait as I have drained the monthly budget on Gew├╝rztraminer, vegetarian cook books and iPad apps.

Go vegetarian. Finish left over Chinese; go vegetarian.

• Find a deli that sells tofu Turducken.

• Establish a weekly pod cast.
       o Get sponsors
       o Format program in order that I might get rich selling my as yet un-self-published book by reading the almost finished excerpts from it, which will be honed from previous blog posts.

• Call someone and find out how to listen to pod casts.

• Finish this blog po

March 16, 2012

Cheating on Myself

I’ve been working on putting together a stand-up act. So every time I get a funny idea, I have been putting it in my routine instead of doing a blog post. I feel like I have been cheating on myself… like a guy using his left hand. Ba dum bum.

Um, that was kind of funny, I should write that down.

I am scheduled to go up at an open mic night in a week. It will be my first time and I am scared to death! I have been making my friends and co-workers listen to my five minute set during breaks at work. They have, for the most part been very kind, but my girlfriend says she misses having conversations with me because now every time we talk it’s part of my act.

Doing a stand-up routine is a bucket list item, and once again my wonderful husband has given me the encouragement and support to try something I always wanted to do; assuming, of course that I don’t chicken out… or die. (Cross your fingers)

I won’t, I’ll do it. How bad could it be? Even if I start bombing on stage, I’ll just pretend the audience is family. It not like every holiday dinner doesn’t end up with a room full of silent, annoyed people getting hammered.

Yeah, that was funny, I’ll write that down.

Besides, maybe I’ll do great. Maybe I’ll be the next Roseanne. Maybe it will just be an experience I can talk about at parties for the next couple of years. I don’t know. But I do know that if I didn’t try it, that would really be cheating on myself.

March 7, 2012

Hookers in Sensible Shoes

Last week Orlando hosted the NBA All Star game. Based on what I saw parading through the street parties and bars of downtown, it looked more like the NHA (National Hookers Association) All Star convention was in town.

I am not judging… well, yes, yes I am.  I haven’t seen that many titty tops since I quit working in business offices. And I have never seen that many ass cheeks peeking out the bottom of skirts that looked like they were left in the dryer too long.
Not that I was in the market, but if I were, how the heck could you tell the hookers from the amateurs?

The shoes maybe?
I mean if I had to make a living walking the streets, I wouldn’t do it in the leopard print, retarded Frankenstein shoes with platforms higher than an off shore rig that I saw these girls trying to navigate the cobblestones with.  

So that must be it; the girl next door looks like a lady of the night, and the hookers look like school girls, right down to their patent leather Mary Janes.

February 28, 2012

SPINZophrenia

SPINZophrenia  DONT MISS THIS SHOW

2012 Orlando Fringe Festival


Show Dates and Times - SILVER VENUE

Saturday, May 19th, 2:15 pm

Sunday, May 20th, 11:00 am

Friday, May 25th, 7:00 pm

Saturday, May 26th, 11:00 am

Sunday, May 27th, 2:15 pm

February 25, 2012

Good Morning

I love an old fashioned morning with my wonderful husband.

Hot freshly ground coffee on the back porch, served in an oversized mug.

Eggs, cooked with butter, orange juice and toast.

He’s reading the news, and I my stories.

Just like old times.

Oh! That good old coffee, strong like grandma used to make, must be working.

Off we go to the His and Hers “outhouses”, reading material in hand.

Me with my iPad and him with his iPhone… I guess times have changed some.

Ahh well, at least it’s not a workday, when a trip to the loo includes the iPhone, Blackberry and Bluetooth..

I wonder if there’s an App with the Sunday Crossword puzzle?

February 22, 2012

Bonding With Co-Workers

Sometimes at your job you find a new friend right away, like my boss, LOVE HER.

And sometimes you bond with a co-worker over the little things… like a mutual hate… of ten year olds.

Settle down, I don’t hate kids, most of them anyway, but I don’t subscribe to the notion that they are all little gems just because they’re kids.  Especially sixty of them in our theater at the same.
You can always tell the kids with older affluent parents. I can think of nothing more annoying than smug ten year olds. It comes from hearing their parents refer to them as “my son” or “my daughter” or “Little Brandon/ Brianna is so smart, cute, talented…” whatever.  Just call them “hey kid” so they will know there place.

I guess these parents think their children are entitled to everything because they worked so hard to bring them into the world. “I was in labor for three days!” they lament. “The fertility shots were worse than rabies shots.”

Well, I say big deal. Once after a weekend of tailgating, I had to have an episiotomy on my brown eye just so I could deliver the morning mail. PS avoid corn and beans in the same meal.

So me and my co-worker are not the cuddly kid types. Bonus: Now I have someone to share my inappropriate cat jokes with.

February 5, 2012

Mom Again

While watching the Wendy Williams show with my mom…

“Is that what a drag queen is?” Mom queried in her ever so gentle way.

“No,” I replied, “She’s just wearing a drag queen wig.”

Are drag queens boys who used to be girls, or girls who used to be boys?” Mom said as she stirred her lemon tee and counted Club crackers.

“Uh…either or neither, but I was just kidding about her hair.”

“Three crackers equal one bread exchange; are they transsexuals?”

I thought for a moment about whether or not Florida was home to any cracker transsexuals, then I thought about Larry the Cable guy secretly dressing in pink camo sweat pants with “juicy” on the ass. “I don’t really know, I suppose some are and some not.”

“Do they get their dicks from cadavers?”

“You’re just going to jump right out there with that? No polite lead in?” I said after I was able to close my mouth.

“You know, like organ transplants; do you have any honey for my tea?”

“There’s a joke in there somewhere, give me a minute,” I said.

“Do they have to do color matching?” She wondered.

“I think they build them out of sausage casing.”

“Really!” She sipped her tea. “How do they get them… you know…” She tapped on cracker on her plate.

“Hard?” I said, reluctantly.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to eat sausage again,” she groused as she munched her hard cracker.

“What about the cute old butcher at Publix?” I teased.

“For God’s sake, he’s not a transsexual is he?”

“You’re both like freakin eighty; what difference does it make?”

She thought… “It’s been so long I can’t remember, but I’m sure it might make some!”

January 23, 2012

Mom, What, No.

My mom is here for her usual winter visit.
Recently I was talking about what a cluster fuck such and such situation was, and she wanted to know; "is that the same as a gang bang?
What?
No!