September 3, 2011

Athletic Supporters

I just want to thank everyone who has shown me so much support in my quest to weigh less than my husband. I am almost there; would have been there if he hadn’t decided to start eating right and working out too. “I love you baby but go eat a cheeseburger would ya?”

It’s a hard road. Especially the one to the gym at five in the morning, but I am feeling so healthy that maybe I'll start conditioning to do a marathon. I think I'll buy a training bra.

I have even started eating athletic-ish foods. You know, like Rocky drinking raw eggs before a workout. The other night I mixed my Metamucil powder with a PowerAde drink. I’ll keep you posted on how that worked out.

I just can’t handle raw eggs though. And I don’t think I am going to get up an extra half hour early to poach one. (That would be 4:30 in the morning. I used to eat eggs at 4:30 A.M. every Sunday morning… at Denny’s on the way home from the club, but they weren’t poached that’s for damn sure.)

So I need a quick healthy way to get protein before the gym without having to spend $2. a pop on pre-mixed shakes.

If only chickens could lay cooked eggs. OMG! What if chickens could lay deviled eggs? Yeah now we’re talking. General Foods or somebody could figure out a way to inject the hens with mayo and vinegar… bam! They’re laying deviled eggs.

I don’t know though. I already occasionally, when no one is behind me, and when I’m not near a fan, sneak out an innocent little fart-ette while on the treadmill. (The big wind breakers that sound like an eighteen-wheeler just Jake-braked on a 90% grade are not me... I swear. The perpetrator was probably the old marine in the corner, really, I saw him clench.)

I would never let loose with a cheek rippler of that magnitude. I’d be afraid I’d crap on the treadmill. (You saw what I’ve been drinking. It’s not like I want to, but the cycling class has got my sphincter swollen shut. I need a little assistance.)

My husband says I worried about it too much because at five in the morning the Y is full of geezers. “You think one of these old fuckers hasn’t shit on a treadmill before?” he said.

I never thought of it like that.

“It would just roll on off the back and you’d clean it up later”

See what I mean? He is my athletic supporter numero uno.

1 comment:

Wendy Gail Ellen said...

A note from my brother.

Well, it's all coming out now... could there be a little fart envy or pride in this call to arms?

Let's make sure we all understand what a fart is first and where it comes from, no don't look behind you I mean historically, whiff ass.

The English word fart is one of the oldest in the English language. It has roots in Greek, Latin, Sanskrit, French, and German.

The German word for fart is FURZEN! Terrifying and strong, much like the German people and their FURZEN inducing food.

Now ask yourself can you live up to all this?

Do you have enough Schneider in you to be starting a full out fart war in this family?