November 17, 2015

Top Ten Things A Newbie Passenger Oughta Know!

If you are absolutely new to motorcycles, being a passenger, and all things the Harley – Davidson lifestyle is, or at least what you as a newbie think it is, here is my top-ten list that may, but probably won’t, help you through that first few weeks.

Step One: Go out and buy yourself a butt-load of Harley clothes. Sculls, rhinestones, leather, assorted gear, orange and black shield anything. Brace yourself; it’s expensive. You are about to pay $23 for a pair, yes A, as in one, pair of socks.

Step Two: Dress yourself out in your new gear. Remember to take the tags off even though everybody is going to know with absolute certainty that your regalia is new. (Extra tip: Watch three to five videos on YouTube to make sure you get your new bandana tied right) Now show up at your first big Harley event in your Kia Soul. Brace yourself, you’re gonna look like a tool.

Step Three: Actually take a ride on a Harley. Remember to pee first, don’t worry about anything else, because if you don’t crap yourself the first time you hit 70 mph surrounded by 18-wheelers whose drivers are texting, you’ll take care of it as soon as you get home.

Step Four: Post pictures of yourself on the back of the bike all over Facebook, Twitter, where ever. Brace yourself; everyone you know will feel compelled to comment with stories of all the gory, horrible ways that you are going to die. The comments will grow in intensity as your family and friends try to outdo each other with tales of death and dismemberment that has befallen everyone they have ever known, or at least was a cousin of everyone they have ever known that dared to lay a butt cheek on a motorcycle.

Step Five: Start planning your trip to Sturgis. This may sound premature, but it is going to take years to get your derriere callused up enough to make that long of a ride.

Step Six: Stop stress eating or you’re going to get a jelly-roll that hangs out from under your $47 Harley tee-shirt.

Step Seven: Harley girls are sexy; own it. Even with a jelly-roll and/or saddle bags. Brace yourself, in this case meaning your girls. Get them puppies up high and tight because you are going to get bounced around a lot. (Extra tip: Try not to hit your old man in the back of their helmet with the front of your helmet every time there’s a bump in the road.)

Step Eight: Tuck your ponytail in your jacket before a long highway ride. You may think you look cute with that low slung pony streaming from the back of your helmet like a flag that says “Hey look at me, I am from the country of YEAH-I’M-HOT-STUFF-ISTAN. But when you get home, good luck getting all the tangles out of that thing. And when you do, you are going to find stuff that you cannot identify.

Step Nine: Chilax. Enjoy the ride. Go up in the mountains. Brace yourself, you’re gonna get hooked.

Step Ten: Start shopping for your own bike.

Bonus Step: Once you get a bike, you can avoid looking like a tool, (see step two) by spending a little less on clothes and actually buying some tools and learn how to use them!

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