At the begining of this summer we went to see Wayne’s youngest daughter graduate from high school. It went great, she looked like a million, Wayne was bursting with pride; but we noticed the continuation of a disturbing phenomenon with me.
There was a woman sitting in front of me; couldn’t see me, and to the best of my knowledge was unaware of my presence. That is until she turned around and started telling me her drama. Namely, that she had driven 20 hours to be here today to see her baby girl gadjiate, and if her baby girl’s bitch of a step-mother didn’t like it, well then she could just call the sheriff again, 'cause hell or high water she was seein’ her baby gadjiate from high school, cause believe it or not she herself never got to gadjiate 'cause she was busy havin' her baby girl’s little sister.
Frankly, this sort of thing happens to me a lot.
It’s like I am some sort of kook magnet, but eureka, Wayne has thought of way that I can work this special skill into a lucrative career path. And it would work something like this…
Employers, HR departments, or anyone needing to screen potential job applicants would pay me a consultant’s fee to sit in their waiting room and read a magazine. (Naturally they would supply all reading materials and coffee.) Any potential employee that struck up a conversation with me beyond a cursory hello, or are you finished with the paper, would be automatically disqualified for employment and depending on the amount of personal background indiscretions they divulged, escorted from the building by security.
You can easily see the time and cost savings that this service would afford any business.
And my special skill need not be limited to the private sector. Image the good I could do if I were working covertly for the government in airports. Why, I would simply wander the common areas minding my own business; anyone who sought me out, seemingly for no apparent reason and began to tell me why they thought that people who are possessed should be charged for an extra seat, or that their cat told them we are all going to die on this flight, would be subject, on my secret signal, to some very invasive screening before being allowed to fly.
Really, have you ever flown cross-country next to someone one who is telling you some really messed up shit? Wouldn’t you feel just a wee bit safer if you knew they had been super extra screened for hidden… well hidden anything?
I’m sure if I wanted to give it some thought I could come up with a whole pamphlet’s worth of circumstances why my kook-magnetism would benefit any number of people who wanted to make sure the person next to them in the elevator on a regular basis is not on the verge of “making everybody pay”! I could leave my little advertisements wherever normal people follow the etiquette of ignoring each other. They might read as follows:
Worried what the guy in the last cubical has in that bag he keeps in the breakroom fridge that has a small pad lock on it? One lunch period in your cafeteria and I can deliver you that information without the frustration and hassle of court orders. Call for a free estimate and package pricing.
Wondering why you only see your neighbor late at night and only at Wal-Mart when you’re there on a beer run, and if they see you they turn and duck into the restroom as soon as possible? Put your mind at ease knowing that I will find out what’s going on in that basement sans search warrant, hidden camera or expensive listening devise. Call now and receive a complimentary screening of your potential mother in law.
Wayne is right, I could make quite the business out of crack pots everywhere wanting to tell me their wacked out, messed up, creepy deal, whether I like it or not.