Last Sunday, I drove my one and only to the airport. I had a beer with him, walked him to the security checkpoint and gave him a kiss goodbye. It really wasn’t a kiss worthy of him being gone for two weeks, but neither of us is young enough or pretty enough to engage in extended periods of P.D.A. (public display of affection) without drawing objections.
After a pouty little cry in the parking garage I headed home. I hadn’t yet reached the freeway when my phone rang; he had been bumped. Great; he got a free round-trip ticket and I got a few more hours with my… (Insert here a term of affection that you find really nauseating. I guarantee you it is not as saccharin as the one I use for my husband.)
So; killing time in the airport; it went something like this.
INT. AIRPORT RESTAURANT- DAY
At a bar inside of a chain type restaurant, a handsome distinguished couple order appetizers and a beer for the lady, from a prepubescent bar-keep.
A sign in the background reads - We card EVERYONE even our own Mothers.
(A slight squeak in his
Can I see your I.D. please Ma'am?
The woman not having seen the sign, is surprised by this, but obliges with a slight blush and a smile.
She proceeds to drag her formidable purse onto the bar. She opens it and removes what appears to be a stone tablet. She turns it to the bar-keep, and we see that the carvings on the tablet very much resemble that of a drivers license. The bar-keep leans in a bit to read the date of birth which says, April 27, B.C.
INT. AIRPORT BAR - LATER
A sports bar in the same airport. A server places beers in front of same couple as before, while the woman is shoving the stone tablet back in her purse.
The Man indicates a TV suspended behind his wife.
Burger King has the strangest
The wife turns to look at the TV, speaking as she turns
and spilling a little beer on her shirt.
Is this the one where the guy wakes
up to find the King standing over
him in bed?
No, but that one's even worse; The
King gives me the creeps!
INSERT TV SCREEN - BURGER KING COMMERCIAL
Two young men stand on a playing field across the street from a Burger King restaurant.
YOUNG MAN #1
Let's go to B.K. and get a
YOUNG MAN #2
Let's go to McDonalds.
YOUNG MAN #1
Why? B.K. is right there.
YOUNG MAN #2
I have these tiny hands and the
B.K. cheeseburger is so big it
makes them look even smaller.
Young man #2 pulls his hands from his hoody revealing that he does indeed have tiny hands.
YOUNG MAN #1
What if I held it for you?
BACK TO THE COUPLE IN THE BAR.
The man is looking at the TV as he shakes his head.
That is so gay.
Our best friends are gay dear, and
they don't go around holding each
The server delivers the wife another beer.
What if Burger King sold cheese
Then the guy could offer to hold his
buddy's cheesestick for him!
OK, that would be kinda gay.
INT. AIRPORT BOOKSTORE - LATER
The man peruses political books while the woman, who is a little buzzed, follows him around, pen perched over her red leather note pad.
What are you doing?
Waiting for you drop a couple of
pearls so I can write them down.
He gives her a quizzical look.
Beer makes you say some pretty
So you're going to follow me around
with a pen?
Beer makes me forget what you said.
Let's get some coffee.
The couple starts to exit the bookstore when a stunning blonde amazon strides in. She is wearing a polo shirt with an emblem on the front and the words K-9 Unit on the back.
Her cargo pants are tucked into army boots and she silently commands a large German Shepherd gracefully around the aisles.
Her long blonde ponytail sways across her back and she is smoking hot in a Sarah Connor sorta' way.
The woman sees her right away and pulls herself up straight; like a cat when another cat walks by. She follows this amazing amazon with her eyes, watching her every move. The woman runs into the back of her husband.
The husbands turns to face his wife and notices her staring at the amazon.
I want to be just like her when I
She's like 20 years younger than
The woman now turns and glares at her husband.
He begins to correct her grammar, then thinks better of it. The woman continues her visual assessment of the officer as she and her dog glide around the store in complete command, silently gaining every one's respectful distance.
I bet she could kick everybody in
here's ass twice, just by spinning
around and using that pony tail
like a saffron Nunchuck.
The woman turns to her husband.
What do you think?
That's not what most men would like to use
that pony tail for.
The woman looks pissed at first, but then takes her pen and begins to write down what her husband just said.
(As she writes)
Don't say anything else I'm out of
INT. AIRPORT - LATER
The woman exits the ladies room and takes a seat on a bench next to her husband who hands her a coffee.
Note to self - Beer plus Beer plus
Beer plus venti mocha, divided by
trips to the bathroom, equals me
pretty much just wanting to throw
these shoes away.
Is is that bad in there?
The couple settles in to people watch and are treated to quite a parade of characters, tourists, harried travelers.
An older woman comes into view, they notice her but do not stare. She is approximately four feet tall and about that in diameter. She is wearing pink and lots of it, and because of the brevity of her stride it takes her some time to pass by.
Good thing Randy Newman is not
The man grins despite himself.
Don't write that down!