Funny how we celebrate the birth of such a nice Jewish man with ham, ham and more ham.
It was the Christmas of the five hams, Palm Ridge Whiskey, a ginger bread house, RELATIVES and Bacardi & V8.
Here’s the thing; I was pickled enough on the Palm Ridge that I did not want to drink more of it when I wouldn’t really appreciate it, but I was not quite lubed enough to make it through the rest of the hamlibration relative fest, so I improvised. The eggnog was gone so, it was mix the Bacardi with V8 or some of our cat piss coffee. A toss up.
I considered mixing up some Metamucil and spiking that with a shot, you know just to make sure I didn’t get stuck with any of that ham for more than a day or so, but that seemed a little too much like an ex-cougar who’s been looking at 39 in the rear view mirror for a long droopy time. V8 it is!
“Yes mom I know which end of the vacuum sucks, I just missed a spot.”
“Mom in-law, please come out of the kitchen… No, I will do the dishes tomorrow morning. Yes I was going to let them sit all night.”
“No really un-named relative, I’m sure that gift from another un-named relative wasn’t meant as an insult, it’s a gift. Ok, no you're right, I’m sorry, I hate them too.”
Is it wrong to drink alone in the garage on Christmas day?
But I do try to appreciate having family around; time moves quickly these days and we should spend it with our loved ones as often as possible. Even if that means I have to start spiking the Geritol. Should I put celery in that or a thermometer?
Alas, the holidays! Five hams; ours, the in-laws, the brother’s, the office party’s, and some that was left in our mailbox by our neighbor, 5 pounds and five golden rings.
It used to be telephone rings, then cells and now Skype. In an effort to stay modern and not become stifled in outdated holiday traditions I am moving past the drinking and dialing phase and into a drinking and Skyping phase.
Not a good idea, unless you restrict your calls to girl friends whose nick-names begin with Crazy, or in some cases, Krazy.
Video calls connecting…
8PM: “Merry Christmas girl, how are you do- are you naked? Gross, you know I can see that right?”
8:30PM “Merry F-ing Christmas beyotch… What makes you thinks that? No that’s just V8.”
9:15PM “Hey home skillet, wanna see what I got for Christmas? Yes, I’m nekked, it’s perfume. See?.. Huh?... What mole?... Quit harshin my buzz, I’ll get it looked at next year.”
9:45PM “That’s right, she said your gift was an insult, it was kinda shitty… Hey don’t disconnect, I want you to look at my mole.”
Next year we are going to quietly leave town on December 20th and not return until all the hams have been eaten.
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