October 8, 2011

Dr. Oz’s Colon Blow Weekend

I am in the throes of Dr. Oz’s 48 Hour Weekend Cleanse, and I am so hungry I want to kick Oprah’s ass.

For years now I have been doing what Oprah tells me to; because damn it she knows. Seriously I went through a period where she really worked a nerve, but that doesn’t mean the woman isn’t smart.

So, Oprah said drink 8 glassses of water a day, and now I can’t make it through a movie.

She said listen to Dr. Phil; I strategized.

And then Oprah said eat what Dr. Oz’s eats so… the 48 hour colon blow is in effect.

It’s only been a few hours so I am not yet incontinent, but the trip to the store to fill Dr. Oz’s weekend grocery list cleansed my wallet, that's for sure.

Me, a teenage bagger with an iPhone, and the produce manager spent the better part of an hour searching Publix for ingredients that don’t come frozen or in a can.

Some of which were unidentifiable to me, as I had never seen them on a drive through menu, hence the kid with the iPhone who Googled admirably.

This morning I had quinoa and prunes.

I have nothing else to say about that. Google the side effects of prunes, if need be. (Or call your grandma, she knows about prunes.)

Later I will be drinking a kale shake with a flax oil chaser.

By Monday morning I will be empty, of that I am sure.

If you plan to join me, and are going to try the diet for the next two days, heed these words of advice from my grandmother, which should ring true this weekend even more than in ordinary times:

Never trust a fart!

1 comment:

Steph said...

I saw "flax seed oil" and "kale" and that's all I needed to know. I am pretty sure the combined effect is similar to that of radiation poisoning. Expulsion of the intestines and all...