September 5, 2008

Burning Eye Contact

Have you ever been sitting in an emergency room trying to get someone’s attention? If you are not bleeding to death you might as well be dead. Believe me, I could not do that job so I am not complaining, I am just complaining. We recently had a visit to the ER that lasted 5 hours, because after being seen and given the news that all was well, we were waiting for the walking papers that had to be signed by God or somebody and they couldn’t find him. At hour 4 the nurse told us we would be sent home in about 15 minutes. I am not mad at her, because she was being thorough and just wanted to make sure that Wayne was not in fact bleeding to death or possibly even dead already and it had gone unnoticed. I applaud her diligence.

But once you are fixed up, the urge to get out of the emergency room is all consuming. So after the promised release time came and went I started to get edgy. Wayne was alright; he was propped up and covered on a comfy gurney enjoying the oxygen, (he would not give me a hit), but I was sitting on a tiny plastic chair and I REALLY had to pee. I did not want to use the public bathroom in the emergency room because, come on, do you know how many sick, bleeding, pussing, dripping, oozing people there are in an emergency room. I figured I'd wait and go at the gas station, where the people are more likely to just be sickos and not sick.

So I began the Burning Eye Contact. This technique can also used when you are trying to get your check from the server. Every time somebody in scrubs passed our curtained area I assumed the stare posture. I would lock my eyes on them and not even blink, less I miss a chance at eye contact. I know they could feel it. I was practically sending laser beams from my pupils capable of grabbing your head in an ocular tractor beam and making you look at me. But those people are pros. They know how to avoid the Burning Eye Contact better than a little kid who just lifted some cookies.

It took strength and determination but at hour 5 I got it. I got eye contact with our nurse. She was standing looking at the patient board with her eyes toward the ceiling in order to read it. I know she had been busy because my previous attempts were mostly aimed at the back of her head as she hurried past our curtain. So I knew I had to make it work. I stared hard and I did not quit. I could see her start to crack; one of her eyes make a quick jerking movement in my direction and I knew I had her. I burned my eye rays into her cheek till she admitted defeat, turned and gave me access to both her eyes. I’ll be right over with your papers she said.

Victory at last. 5 minutes later we walked out of the emergency room with instructions to see Wayne’s regular Dr and to take it easy. I want to thank the ER for being there when we needed it, and I want to thank God we were not there 6 hours.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

So I started reading this post one busy day last week from work and had gotten right to the burning eye contact explaination and the phone rings AAHHHH! So I answered with a giggle in my voice that always pisses off the already pissed of customer, even more than he was already. But, it was worth it! I hope Wayne is alright!! Keep up the hilarious posts! Oh by the way, Ricky says to say "Hi!"!