The hole in the ozone layer grew exponentially last night due to a cosmically proportioned sucking action originating from the NOKIA Theatre in Los Angeles during the 60th annual Emmy awards.
Authorities are trying to pinpoint the exact locale of the main suck, which in turn caused the sucked schism in the atmosphere, by using Kathy Griffin’s Ann Margret/Petticoat Junction hair as a marker from which to search in all directions. She co-presented with Don Rickles, and one scientist had this to say regarding Ms. Griffin’s quaff, “holy extensions Paul Mitchell, what a mess.”
I was privileged not to have seen the show in its entirety and am thankful as there are some reports from my family and friends of an inability to turn the channel, much like onlookers who can’t help but watch a train wreck. One of my cousins is missing and is presumed stuck in a sucking tractor beam somewhere between Ohio and California.
No one person can be held responsible; it took 5 hosts and a team of writers, to create the televised tragedy. While some viewers called local stations to report that their TV’s were stuck in slow motion, they were assured that their televisions where functioning properly, it just seemed like the show was taking forever.
However, I did watch most of the show, because I am an aspiring Tina Fey (in some ways), and I wanted to see just how many Emmys she was going to get. Last count was a lot. Also, I am always a little moved by the who died montage. They are saving a spot for you Don, but I kid, you know I kid.