January 6, 2009


Here are my alternative titles for this post:
1. Can’t We Just Shake Hands?
2. My, You Do Sweat Much Even For A Fat Girl.
3. Gawd, What Is With All The Man Hugging, Complete With The Courtesy Reach Around. (Wherein the men pat each other on the back while doing the lean in handshake hug. Perhaps they are attempting to produce a large manly belch. Now that I could understand.)
I like hugging; I do. Hugging some family members, hugging friends who I have not seen in a REALLY long time, and hugging people who have just given me money. But even then they have to be short hugs with as little hoopla as possible. When a hug is necessary, my preference is the lean in, with only a minimal amount of shoulder contact, no face contact and the lower halves of the participants bodies are separated by at least a foot.

Wayne is an exception to that rule, but I will save telling you how I like him to hug me for when I’ve been drinkin.

I don’t like hugging co-workers, especially bosses. It’s like being a hug whore, you gotta do it cause you’re on the clock, but you don’t have to let them kiss you on the mouth.

I don’t like hugging all of my family members; as a general rule if you get a Christmas card from me where the signatures are stamped in, we are not on hugging terms.

I don’t like hugging people I just met, even if you are a friend of friend, relative of a relative, or buying me a drink. You have to work your way up to a hug so don’t try to slip one in on somebody else’s ticket.

I am not a hater; it’s just that it cheapens the sanctity of the hug when they are passed out like the average handshake. I even have degrees of handshake that I used to follow before the hug crazed masses abolished the art of the inference laden greeting.

Handshake examples:

Job interview with a man; it must be a firm shake letting him know that you are a woman who is not going to cry in his office, complain about cramps and can kick some ass when needed.

Job interview with a woman; it must be softer and respectful. Compliment her ring if you can pull it off. The hand shake has to show her you are not a threat, and you know she is the running the roost.

General public; light firmness but keep your palm cupped to avoid full hand contact.

Your boss’ wife, your husband’s boss’ wife, bitches you can’t stand and some gay men; this hand shake is done using only the fingers from the second knuckle to the tips. The thumb should be present but only graze the other hand in passing. It the situation calls for it, curtsy.

Hello, I just met you but I am pretty sure I am gonna want to do you; hold this hand shake way longer than you should while looking into the eyes of the other person. Before dropping the hand shake drop your eyes to one side and force a blush. After releasing the hand shake find an excuse to touch your own breast while the other person is still looking at you.

And the I’ve heard that you are sick, (but not contagious) gonna die in the near future, lost all your money or your spouse, a kid or longtime pet and you know I know about it, so I can’t fake like I don’t know and give you the general public hand shake; take the shake receiver’s hand in yours, cup your left hand over both the engaged in the shake hands. Drop your head slightly, jut your lower jaw while sucking in your lips and pump once or twice slowly, hold for a moment and then release the right hand while the left hand stays in play until the receiver removes his/her right hand. This takes some practice.

But all that goes right out the window when we move straight to hugging everybody and their brother.

I took Wayne to work the other day. We are walking through the huge building. I was trying like hell to keep up with him and starting to perspire ever so slightly, in a not visibly noticeable way, but it made my cheeks a little clammy. I had not yet reached the sweat beads on the upper lips faze.

Here comes Wayne’s boss. He gets a handshake from her, so I extend my hand when they are through but she is coming in for the hug. We end up in a sort of half man hug, complete with reach around, only she was going for the full hug, so my empty hand was between our bodies while I attempted to complete a one handed hug, resulting in an accidental breast brush and full cheek contact.

That’s right, Wayne’s boss got a grope from a sweaty chick who was breathing hard and couldn’t even remember her name. (Reminds me of this one time at band camp, no I’m just kidding.)
Just act like it didn’t happen!

Oh good, here comes a guy Wayne works with; all attention on watching him walk over to us, but I can’t sneak in a sweat dab because the guy is looking at us and I can tell he’s coming in for hug too.

He gets to Wayne first and there it is; the man hug. I think the number of back pats incorporated into the man hug have a direct correlation to how long you have known each other or how well you like each other. No belch from this hug though.

So I raise my arms. I just want to get this moist mess over with, but he catches my right hand on the way up and gives it a good solid shake. WTF I don’t rate a hug!

It’s all good, I am relieved. The last time we were at this guy’s house I had to hug his wife and then figure out what to do with his four kids. Pat them on the head, shake their sticky little hands, hug them, (this can cause screaming in some toddlers so be careful) or just slip them some gum and tell them to go play. And hugging this guy’s trophy wife made my boobs so self conscious I thought they might retract into my body and refuse to come out till I found them a new host.

You can see how all this superfluous hugging can get on a nerve. I mean if you get a creepy hand shake you whip out the hand sanitizer and wipe those cooties away. If you get a creep hug, you may have to go as far as being deloused.

So guys, go back to the hand shake and leave out the hug for when it is really called for. And gals’ we can just shake hands too; we don’t have to do all this touching, it’s not the kind of girl on girl your man wants to see, trust me on this. Save the fakey cheek kissing and nose crinkling hugs for when you are mocking other women.

Shake hands, and even then only if you have too, save the hugs for when they count so they will still count. If we keep up all this haphazard random hugging for the everyday greeting, God only knows what kind of bodily fluids would have to be exchanged to mark a significant event.

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