November 27, 2010

Freebie And The Bean

Dieting, wearing a super cute sweater and running late is a recipe for disaster when you are driving, checking the time, and trying to open your low-carb protein shake.

Usually I pride myself on being prepared. Kind of like a boy scout if boy scouts carried knock-off leather purses that matched their shoes… mostly. As a rule I like to keep my MacGyver purse loaded with things I might need in case of an emergency including but not limited to:

Safety pins for broken bra straps, lost buttons and busted zippers. A wide variety of OTC pharmaceuticals not the least of which is Gas X; inflate your pantyhose one time in a meeting and you’ll start carrying Gas X too. Pens, double sided tape, pepper spray, meal replacement bars, sweet-n-low, three shades of lip stick, a hair pick, flashlight, business cards, phone, charger, small knife, small screwdriver, Band-Aids, matches, my lucky buckeye, a prayer card, myriad credit cards, occasionally cash and girl hygiene products. Where the hell are the tissues?

I was trying really hard to get an event on time. So hard that I skipped my oatmeal and opted to drink a shake in the car. I shook my shake, checked the clock, I might still make it on time, if … if the shake doesn’t spew on my super cute top when I open it. Damn it! It did. No worries, check the clock, just let me reach in my purse and grab a tissue before it soaks in.

Can’t find one! Check the clock, check the mirrors no cars for miles, pull purse on lap and dig. Where the hell are the tissues? Check the clock; it has now been nearly thirty seconds since the spew splatter. Thirty seconds left in the golden minute from when a stain threatening event occurs and the crucial window when you can save your look. No tissues, damn it.

You don’t really think I will be undone by one little ole double chocolate fudge low-carb protein shake do you?

When one strives to be prepared it means be able to improvise when needed and I needed to soak up that mess and soak it up now! What could be more absorbent that a Kleenex? A Kotex! That’s right, just like James Caan used in Freebie And The Bean to stave the flow from his gunshot wound after doing battle with a villainous transvestite in a ladies room, I used an ultra thin, curved for comfort winged wonder to stop the spreading hemorrhage of an over shook shake.

Worked like a charm; I made it to the event unscathed, unstained and on time. Don’t be afraid to think outside of the tissue box ladies, you may find that you are more resourceful than you thought. Bonus: the adhesive side of a feminine protection pad can be used to de-lint your linen pants.

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