August 10, 2009

A Few Words Regarding My New Job

First of all, I know that I am lucky to have a new job right now. I know that I need to take the company Vision Statement and have it tattooed backwards on my forehead so I can read it every time I go the bathroom, (which is a lot these days). I hear you when you’re telling me I have authority issues that border on arrested development. You’re singing my life with your words, I get it, but I think the following is legit.

The training class I am in has been indoctrinating us since day one with what is “HR.Appropriate” in the Work place. Basically everyone has the right to be offended. Well almost everyone, the rest of you know who you are. And everyone has the right to decide what is offensive, so you better be a freakin' mind reader before you open your mouth.

I have already been informed that I need to “filter” because I mentioned that I think I might have been a drag queen in a former life. I was asked my favorite movie; Connie and Carla. I gave a brief synopsis of the film and said I think I may have been a drag queen in in a past life. I left it at that, I made no mention of my penchant for sequins and boob glitter, and for this I was told I need to filter. In hind sight I would have thought people who were offended by Drag Queens would have been some of the people who were not allowed to be offended.

My new favorite movie is whatever training video we are being shown that day.

However, there is something that is offending me. I am not sure if it is permissible for me to be offended but I think I am covered in at least two categories so here goes.

The offending actions surround the policy regarding badges. We are required to wear badges with our picture on it, that when swiped by the door grants you access to the building, and again to various departments in the building. You know, if the door doesn’t open after you swipe your badge, you are not allowed in that department. It is clearly posted at most doors that badges must be worn where they can be seen and that you must not let anyone “piggy back” into a department with you. This means even if the door is open for you, the guy behind you must swipe his badge too. We are instructed to look at people’s badges and their faces and make sure the badge belongs to them.

Well, this is where I become offended.

Policy says badges must be worn where they can be clearly seen. I wear mine clipped onto my collar, right next to my face. The picture the security guard took of me is pretty offensive but you don’t get a second shot at it. You can see my face, move your eyes one inch and see my badge and easily see that I am who I am, despite that fact that the picture looks like it was taken during the throes of a seizure.

But I am the exception.

Most choose to wear their badges clipped to their belt. Current fashion dictates that most belts are at or below hip level versus the formerly practical waist level. The look is cute; I am not offended by that. Although some of you muffin toppers out there might want to rethink your choices, but who am I to judge.

And therein lies the rub. In order for me to be a good little worker bee and follow policy that is clearly stated backwards on my forehead, I am forced to bend over, and get a little too close to crotch level for my own comfort, so I can make sure you are not going to gain access to my department with someone else’s badge and go all postal.

Granted a lot of said badge wearers have faces that probably look a lot like their downstairs unit but, frankly I don’t want to know.

So, should I, the offensive past life Drag Queen, protest the lower level badge display? (Or for some of you should I say bargain basement badge display, you know who you are.) Should I take just a cursory glance south of the border and let anyone with a badge piggy back me into the bathroom. (Damn, now that did sound offensive!) Should I worry that someone may take offence that I lingered too long in my inspection of their badge? (This only happened one time and it was because my back was stiff and I had a hard time standing back up.)

I don’t know; conformist, rebel, who am I? Who are you? Do you wear your badge by your face, so that security may be preserved? Do you wear your badge on your belt as a proclamation to the world, “look at me I can tuck my shirt in, that makes me better than you.” Or, do you get your jollys by having co-workers go eye level with your button fly?

Tell you what. If you put your badge somewhere near your face, I will keep my boob glitter to myself.

PS. Regarding the upstairs fashions at work; I don't really want to see your boobs, but if it means I don't have to bend over, go ahead and stuff that badge right in between them, I won't be offended.

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