April 19, 2008

It's OK, It Happens

Did you ever dream you were in the bathroom? Did you ever dream you were sitting on the toilet? Did you ever wake up to the feeling of a little bit of warmth squeaking out? No? Well I haven’t either, I was just asking.

But I’ve heard of such things happening; like after a night of wild drinking and partying when you’re so drunk you pass out and can’t wake up to use the bathroom so you dream you are there and oops! Or like when you are over 40, same thing.

This is a very traumatic thing, I’m told, for a girl to deal with. At least if your stumbling, fall-down drunk you have an excuse when your college roommates catch you shoving your sheets in the washer a week ahead of your usual once-a- month whether they need it or not washing. But suppose you send your boyfriend de jour yellow water rafting into a tinkle eddy in the middle of your futon, then what? You could play if off like you’re some kind of super freak, and if he’s not down with that, then he’s a prude and maybe even a Republican. Yeah, that might work if your room wasn’t full of stuffed animals and your white cotton granny panties come clear up to your boobs.

The only way you are going to be able to pull off that kinky shit is if you are wearing your Saturday underwear and your girlfriend/boyfriend, Brittney/Brian helped you dress and did your makeup. Even then the guy you are performing for would have to be a math club, Star Trek* geek to let you piss all over him.

On the flip side, have you ever been on the receiving end of a golden shower? Me neither, I was just asking. There was this one time though, when after having hosted an especially jovial Halloween party, one of my guests who had been too responsible to drive home after partaking in my refreshments, passed out in a heap on my couch. I woke in the wee dawn hours to find him staggering over my bed and freely peeing on my feet. I don’t think he was awake so I am not sure if that counts as kinky experimentation on my part, but he was a cousin so that adds a little forbidden flavor to the tale.

As far as incontinence after 40, again I don’t know, but I have heard, that sometimes when a girl that is looking at the big 4-0 in the rearview mirror sneezes, it can produce a chain reaction that is not only not kinky, but in some cases stinky, and is kind of sad and can lead to massive chardonnay consumption which in turn leads to drunken potty dreams. A vicious cycle indeed!! Doing Kegel crunches can help that, but I am just relaying stuff I saw on the net as I do not have that problem, really I don’t.

Note: When doing Kegels in your cubical at work, make sure you are aware of who is around you because if you start to start to grimace or moan a little you do not want to suddenly realize that the janitor is bent over getting your trash can from under your desk, and is now looking at you with new found enthusiasm. You can take my word for this as my girlfriend from row three, cubie 4 told me, because I really wouldn’t know.

Take heart my friends a night time leaky has happened to just about everyone, except me, and is not the end of the world, or the beginning of plastic sheets. Keep the chardonnay to a minimum, drink your 8 eight ounces glasses of water before 7 p.m. and do your Kegels in the car where you always have the option of tinting the windows.

*Oringinaly I had written Star Wars geek, but Wayne made me change it because he said no self-respecting Jedi would let you pee on him.

No comments: