April 11, 2008

This is Your Ass on Doughnuts

Imagine you’re a crack head. Your mama’s a crack head, your daddy’s a crack head and your family reunions look like a crack head convention. Heck, you’ve even got a sister who’s a crack whore.

All your family functions revolve around crack. Funerals bring tears and comforting crack casseroles. What’s a wedding without Italian crack cookies, crystal crack pipes and a three tier crack cake marbled with meth. And when your mother’s not shoveling an eight ball down your neck, she’s riding your ass about cutting back on the smack.

So now you’ve decided that enough is enough and you’re giving up your crack head ways and all the crack head regrets of what you could have been. But it’s not as easy as all that.

You can’t get from your front door to the CHA (Crack Heads Anonymous) meeting without passing six crack houses, four of which have drive-thrus, and you’ve got buy- one get- one coupons for at least one of them in your glove box. Go the long way to your support group meeting and you pass a SuperCrack Mart, and the big bulk crack club, where you can buy a year’s supply of crack for way less than SuperCrack Mart if you’ve got the pantry space to store it.

Let’s be honest, shall we. A year’s supply of crack would only really last about 4 months.

Might as well just go back home and watch a little TV. You better avoid the crack network. Seeing so many different ways to prepare crack, the history of all your favorite crack snacks and really sexy dealers with bulging muscles or low cut blouses may not be the best way to keep you mind off the pipe.

You might also avoid the sports channels. The commercials for crack showing a group of really cool people having a great time while enjoying an ice cold bottle of crack, or piping hot bucket of crack, could be more than a recovering crack head can stand.

Best to just turn off the TV, but you are getting a jones on. Like it or not you have to take three square hits of crack a day; you need it to live. Too little and you get sick and weak, too much and you’re a crack head. So you can’t just walk away from the crack. Break out your measuring cup and scale, read the label on the Crack Lite, and serve it in a lunch size crack pipe so it will look like a bigger portion than it is.

The worst part is; every junkie on two legs thinks they are better than you. They could be drunks, thieves, liars, molesters, killers, nut jobs, who knows, but their deal doesn’t show on the outside. The whole world knows your problem as soon as walk in the room. Its shows! So you can’t hide and act like you got no problem and they think that makes them better than you. Hell, even some of the other crack heads act like they are better than you because they don’t use as much. They can hold their crack head high and say; at least I’m not as bad as her. It’s shouldn’t bother you; you know those judging M F’ers are the worst sinners of all. But it does and it makes you want to go right back to crack to numb up.

Yeah, diets can be like that, when you’re tryin to get your ass off doughnuts.


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